peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
