just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
