I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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