I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
