If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
