I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
