Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
