I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
