I think i sorta joined a cult last night
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
