Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
