Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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