im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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