Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
