My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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