I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
