he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
