we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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