You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
