Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
PS: I just woke up from my shower
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
