You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
