Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I can't turn off my feet"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
