He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
