This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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