So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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