I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
