thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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