Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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