actually, I'm a sock model
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
