the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
