I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
