sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
