i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
