im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
pop tarts are not kleenex
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
