you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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