He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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