My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
