I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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