you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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