I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
