We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
