I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
