When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
