i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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