so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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