Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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