kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
