So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
