dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
FUCK WHALES
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