You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
