The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
