why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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