yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
